The Pitch

Hey, c’mon in. Mind if we call you “JJ”?

No, that’s fine.

Great, great. How was the flight?

Fine. Thanks for having me out.

No problem. Hey, we’re just as excited as you are, trust me.

Great.

Sure, sure. So, like I said on the phone, we read about you on Blogebrity and went to check out your blog and thought we’d have you out to talk about doing something together.

Cool.

So, what do you have for us?

Okay, it’s called “The Answer Man” and it’s the story of an aging ex KGB interrogator who spares the life of an innocent British woman who gets caught in the crossfire during a hit. This really pisses off the company he works for, it’s an American company that farms out assassinations and other wetwork, so they send killers after him. He then goes on the run with the girl and they fall in love and end up facing the whole mess together. It’s a love story but with bullets that starts in London, travels to Berlin, then to Seattle, and finally to North Dakota.

I like it. I do. And you know why? It’s unique. I never… not in my life have I heard that pitch. It’s fantastic and it’s going to take the world by storm, my friend. By. Storm.

You like it?

Love it. I am in love with this idea. I want to marry it in a quickie ceremony in Tijuana and knock it up with my love child. That is how much I love this idea. I’m already writing the check in my mind. You see? No, of course you can’t see, it’s in my mind, but, trust me, checks are being written behind my eyes.

I’m floored.

Just a thing or two. You don’t go crazy over notes do you? You’re not one of those “artistic integrity” schmoes that doesn’t know how to get along, right?

I can take notes.

Good. So, nobody wants to see a movie about a Russian. Okay? That’s a scientifically proven fact. Trust me. So, we’re gonna make him an American ex-CIA… no, wait, we’ll make him French and the bad buy. Yeah, and he’s ex-Sorbonne…

Isn’t the Sorbonne a French university…

No, it’s their CIA type thing. Trust me, I know all about the French. I eat their food five times a week – that and Mexican. Okay, so we change him to be the bad guy who is French ex-Sorbonne and her, she’s got to be American. Nobody wants to see a movie about a British woman, okay? Can you say “horse face”? Can you say “magnificent steed”? Right, so she’s American, but very smart, right? You know, a scientist, like Denise Richards.

Wait, Denise Richards?

Don’t stop me now, I’m on a roll. Okay, so we move the action to SoCal, cuts down on costs, except we’ll shoot in Vancouver, of course, and change the title to Bionic Girl Vs. The Zombies. Plus, to bring in the urban demo, we make the other one black.

The other what?

The other girl super agent. That gives us urban, it gives us some girl on girl directions we can go, not to mention interracial. I’m thinking Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner meets Dr. Who but with zombies.

Let me get this straight. You like my idea. But you want me to write a script about an evil French college dropout chasing a brilliant, large breasted scientist ex-wife of Charlie Sheen and her black female lover across Vancouver and call it Bionic Girl Vs. The Zombies?

Actually, we want someone else to write it.

Oh. Okay.

How does 600 grand sound?

You’re going to pay me 600 grand for someone else to write a Zombie movie that’s your idea?

Okay, seven hundred.

Deal.

Welcome to Hollywood, JJ. You are going to love it here and it is going to love you right back.

I think you may be right.